When should you talk?
The most important thing is to start talking about sex before your teen becomes sexually active. Don’t worry, talking about sex won’t put ideas into their head or encourage them; studies show that open conversations about sex actually delay teens’ first sexual experience. If they’re asking questions, that’s a good indicator that they’re ready to learn. Otherwise, puberty or about age 13 is generally the right time.
How to approach the conversation
Research tells us that parents have the greatest influence when it comes to young people making decisions about sex; more than the media, friends or siblings, so the more you talk, the better! It’s important not to use scare tactics. Instead, offer the risks, and talk about the pros and cons in a balanced and neutral way. Do prepare and plan for the conversations (that’s plural, because it should never just be one), but just remember it’s a dialogue, not a lecture. Asking them questions about what they already know or what their ideas and values are around sex is a great place to start. If you can do this you’ll notice they have lots of ideas to share and this will show them you’re open to listening and learning too.
The best thing you can do is to listen to what your child has to say without pressuring them for information. If they aren’t volunteering info about their own situations, asking them about what’s going on for people their age is a great way for you to gain insight and open these topics up with your child without making it personally about them. It’s important to be supportive and not to judge, but you can also offer your own values and opinions. And if you’re ever feeling a bit stuck, it’s always okay to go to other resources such as books or websites. Lastly, don’t forget to let them know they can always come to you if they have any further questions. This is one of the biggest and most difficult (and awkward) topics to cover as a parent, so give yourself a pat on the back and remember that you don’t have to always get it right.
When will they be ready?
Only your teen will be able to answer this question for themselves (but even they likely won’t know until they’re getting close or in a situation with someone where they’re feeling it). But there are a few things that steer teens towards early sexual activity, including peer pressure or curiosity, and you can talk to your child about being aware of these things. If any part of them isn’t feeling good about the idea, it might be best they wait – and let them know that’s okay. There are plenty of other ways to express affection. They might be ready if they feel confident and happy about what they’re doing and who they’re doing it with, without any sort of internal or external pressure. They also need to feel confident and capable in taking on all the responsibility that comes with sex, like communication and contraception.
Safe sex is consensual sex
Sexual health goes hand in hand with consent, as emotionally safe and healthy sex is consensual sex. This means that any sexual activity is wanted by both parties without any sort of pressure or coercion. If you’ve already had conversations with your child about body safety and not doing things with their body (or having things done to them) that they don’t want to do, then great! You’ve already laid the groundwork for the consent conversation. It’s quite a big topic to cover, so we’ve included some resources at the end that delve into this further.
Respect, honesty and trust
These are the three most important elements needed between people engaging in sexual activity. Sex is a relationship with another person, and all parties need to treat each other with respect – including respecting boundaries and behaving kindly and empathetically towards the other person after the interaction is over (e.g., not spreading the news around the school). There needs to be honesty about what each person wants or doesn’t want, likes or doesn’t like, and if they want something to stop. And there has to be trust that the other person won’t violate your boundaries or limits and that you can let yourself be vulnerable with them.
Communication is key
The more honest and open communication there is between sexual partners, the greater chance there is of it being enjoyable for both parties and the lesser chance there is of any boundaries being accidentally crossed. Some people might believe that talking about sexual acts before they happen, even just a kiss, can ‘kill the mood’ – but this doesn’t have to be true. Expressing your desires or asking for what you want can add to the pleasure of the interaction. Talking about your wants, fears, desires and emotions before, during and after sexual experiences is the best way to ensure everything is consensual and you come away feeling positive.
As important as any of the physical risks, bad, unpleasant or non-consensual sexual experiences can leave long-lasting emotional scars. We need to make sure our children understand about sexual assault and sexual abuse, and that they should always stop any activity and tell a trusted adult if someone is making them feel uncomfortable in any way. Talk about the risks of sexting, such as if someone shares their images without their permission. Remind them to always trust their gut: if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t, and they should stop and try to diffuse the situation. Some teenagers worry about causing a fuss or changing their mind, but let them know it’s their right to say no to things, and also their right to change their mind, even in the middle of kissing someone, or even in the middle of sex.
There can be legal risks that come along with sexual activity. The age of consent in Australia is between 16 & 17 (depending on the state). In all states it’s an offence for a person in a supervisory role to sexually engage with a person under their care who is under the age of 18. This includes: a teacher, foster parent, religious official or spiritual leader, a medical practitioner, sports coach, an employer of the child or a custodial official. Between the ages of 12 and 16, sexual activity may not be considered a crime if there is no more than a two year age gap and the activity is consensual. And under 12, it’s illegal to engage in sexual behaviour. Sexting also comes with its own legal risks and we’ll talk more about this in a later article.
Teenagers can feel invincible, like nothing they’ve heard about will happen to them personally. But with adolescent bodies primed to make babies (think of those ripe eggs, ‘bursting’ from the ovaries, and healthy sperm; young bodies designed for reproduction) – without contraception, pregnancy can and does happen. All the time. And your teen really needs to know that, because the repercussions can be enormous. Talk with your child about what the options are when it comes to an unplanned pregnancy; if you speak without judgement that will send a clear message that you’re a safe person to speak to if pregnancy is ever an issue. Your teen should always have a conversation with their partner about contraception before having sex.
In 2017, three quarters of people diagnosed with a sexually transmitted infection (STI) were between the ages of 15 and 29. It’s important your teen knows what STIs are: a group of bacteria and viruses that are most commonly spread through sexual activity, including chlamydia, gonorrhoea, genital herpes, human papillomavirus (HPV), syphilis, and HIV. They also need to know what the implications are if these infections are left unchecked, their symptoms or lack thereof, and that STIs can be transmitted through oral as well as vaginal and anal sex. Even if they’re using condoms, once your teen becomes sexually active – they should talk to a health care professional about how often they should be tested for STIs.
Condoms and dental dams
If your teen is thinking of becoming sexually active, male condoms, meaning condoms that go on a penis, are not only 98% effective at stopping pregnancy when used correctly – they’re also the best way to prevent the spread of STIs. Unless your teen is in a trusting monogamous relationship where both parties have been tested for STIs (and are on other contraception if applicable), they or a male partner should use a condom every time they have oral, vaginal or anal sex. There is also the female condom, but its general efficacy rate is only 79%. Dental dams can protect against some STIs, as they go over the vagina and clitoris or over the anus during mouth-to-genital/oral sex.
No matter the gender of your teenager, it’s good to have a chat about all the kinds of contraceptives out there. If your teenager has told your they are having sex or want to have sex, you might want to discuss what sort of contraceptive they could try. Although they should be using condoms as well, it’s still a very good idea to have another contraception as a backup against pregnancy. Have a chat about options, including the pill, the mini-pill, Nuva Ring, contraceptive implant (Implanon), and the hormonal Intra Uterine Device (IUD). Remember that none of these prevent the spread of STIs and they need to be prescribed by a doctor.
There are some non-hormonal contraceptive options if you or your teenager feel more comfortable with this. The copper IUD is by far the most effective with over 99% efficacy rate. Diaphragms and contraceptive sponges are other options, but their efficacy rate is only around 88%-91%, so we wouldn’t recommend them. We also suggest having a chat to your teenager about the ‘pull-out method’ or ‘withdrawal method’ and warning them against it, as it generally only has a 79% efficacy rate. (We don’t recommend it, but it’s better than nothing!)
The emergency contraceptive pill can be taken up to four or five days after unprotected sex, and has a 98% efficacy rate depending on when it’s taken – so it’s important your teen knows of this option in case they need it. That being said, it shouldn’t be used as a main contraceptive method – only a backup. The EC is available without prescription at chemists, and teens don’t need to be 16 years old to purchase. Let your child know that the pharmacist will need to ask some questions but that their confidentiality must be respected. Let them know as well that some chemists are conservative and won’t supply to under-age people. In that case, it’s best just to try another chemist. Finally, if you want to be their ‘go-to’ person, it’s important to tell them that if they do have unprotected sex, you won’t be angry, you’ll work out a plan together and that they can always come to you.
PrEP and PEP
Pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) is an antiviral drug that protects HIV negative people from catching HIV. When used as prescribed, PrEP is highly effective. It can be taken by anyone, but is generally recommended for men who engage in anal sex with other men. If you have a teenage son who is sexually active with other men, you might want to consider getting them on PrEP. On the other hand, post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) is taken after a potential exposure to HIV. If you have a bisexual or gay teenage son, we recommend talking to him about both.
Abstinence’ refers to refraining from doing something; in this context it means to deliberately hold off from engaging in sexual experiences. While it’s perhaps unrealistic to teach your child that abstinence is the only option, it is an important option to talk about. Teenagers can feel under a lot of pressure from their peers to be sexual, and it’s vital they know it’s okay to say no and hold off until they feel completely comfortable – if they ever do. Let them know that it’s common for people not to have their first sexual experiences until their twenties, and some never at all (we’ll talk about asexuality in another post). If they’re ever unsure, it’s best to say no.
Sex comes with responsibility
For some people, sex will just be something light and casual, not to be given a second thought, and for others sex will be a big deal. Feelings about sex can change and for some it’s not even an issue as there’s no interest (we’ll talk about abstinence and asexuality in another post). But for teenagers, entering into first sexual experiences isn’t something to be taken lightly, as there can be emotional and physical consequences. Engaging in sexual activity means a person needs to be ready for the responsibility of talking about and managing contraception and STI protection (if they’re too embarrassed to buy condoms at a chemist, that might be a sign for them to wait a little longer, and you can point that out, they’ll get it!). It also means they should be mature enough and willing to be able to have open and honest communication about sex with their partner, whether it’s a committed situation or a more casual thing.